Navigating Family Conflict

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Here’s a reminder that I think everybody will find helpful at some point: Every now and then in family life, you just aren’t going to get along. You might be in a good place right now, which is great. But just know that when there are multiple people involved who each bring their own opinions, perspectives, wants, and needs to the table, conflict is inevitable. I’m just trying to help you face reality.

At some point, people in your home are going to irritate you, or you’re going to wake up on the wrong side of the bed with your spouse, or you’re going to get into a little bit of a squabble with your children. That’s just the nature of family life! There’s nothing abnormal about this stuff happening in your marriage, parenting, or family relationships.

Now that we’ve covered the fact that some degree of conflict is inevitable, I want to give you a few tips for how to get through it:

Acknowledge that it’s real and everybody goes through it. This is such an important starting place when you’re facing friction or conflict. If you think it’s a sign that something is wrong and that you’re the only marriage or family dealing with this type of thing, that leaves you feeling isolated and “broken.” But when you really start to accept that this is normal and an expected part of family life, that can bring a huge sense of relief that will leave you better equipped to navigate the conflict.

Learn to say appropriate things. I think we all know the feeling of getting caught up in the moment and letting our anger or our hurt lead us to say something that we regret saying. Sometimes people talk about the importance of “fighting fair” to describe this. Instead of feeling angry or hurt or disappointed and then just letting all of that emotion pour out in every word that you say, try to do a little more mental regrouping before you let your initial thoughts fly. While it might feel good to say something hurtful in that moment, it sure won’t feel good an hour later, when the person you made the comment to will still be feeling the sting of your words.

I also want to clarify that it’s okay to be angry or hurt. I’m not saying that you need to become an emotionless robot in these conversations. I’m just saying that when you’re experiencing strong negative emotions, that can be a cue for you to be extra vigilant to avoid saying something hurtful in the heat of the moment that you won’t be able to take back once things cool off a bit.

Give some time and space to allow each other to have some reprieve and a healing moment. When we’re caught up in the moment, most of us don’t like the idea of putting the argument on pause and taking some time apart. That’s because we truly are caught up in the moment, and we feel like making our point is the most important thing in the world. But if we can choose to take a break and each take some time to think and calm down, the likelihood of a positive outcome to our conflict increases significantly.

I know that these steps are a lot easier to read about than they are to practice. But I truly believe that if you work to do them, you’ll see a positive difference and you’ll be winning more often at home.